This Is Why We Fight
by Cadeja
Summary: Zihuan is injured, and Zhongda speaks some but not all of his observations. Set to the Decemberists' song of the same name, song can be found at the tumblr link in my profile.


Audio is at the link in my profile.

* * *

><p>Come the war<br>**Come the avarice**  
><strong>Come the war<strong>  
>Come hell<p>

"Zihuan, it is absurd that you let this happen at your age." Yi complains as he removes the top of my robes while I lie in my bed, on my stomach.  
>He examines the depth of each gash, cold and methodical, while muttering to himself that I've just caused him to use up the last of his good poultices.<br>"Quiet your complaints, Zhongda. I keep you here in order to treat me, do I not?" Yi starts opening the jars of salve he had brought with him, sighing and pulling his hair back to keep it out of the way.  
>"Isn't tending to your wounds the job of a physician, My Lord?" I feel Zhongda's slim, cool hands begin to massage balm on my shoulders. The sensation is nice.<br>"_Hmph._ Invite a stranger to me when I am injured? You underestimate how few people you can trust at a time of war." His hands keep moving, and he speaks very softly.  
>"I'd thought that paranoia was your father's."<br>"You learn somethings on the job, _Zhongda_."

Come attrition  
><strong>Come the reek of bones<strong>  
><strong>Come attrition<strong>  
>Come hell<p>

"And yet there are somethings you've still the need to learn, _Zihuan_. Why would you be such a fool, to leave a fortified position suddenly, _without giving me warning_? Was it because of that idiot wife of yours, Zihuan?" Yi speak in that deep, smooth voice of his that I've grown accustomed to. He speaks of this subject with a spite I've also grown familiar of, too. I snicker at that:  
>"Which wife, Zhongda? You seem to think that of all of them."<br>"Do not mock me, you know who... Zhen, or Guo or which was that other one again? It doesn't matter because _none_ belong on a field of battle." He huffs his annoyance and starts applying salve along my spine.  
>"But, Zhongda, they like to watch me fight. Just like you." He pulls his hands away and kneels back up. I turn to look at him.<br>"Don't even compare me to them. I am _your adviser _and _Wei's Grand General_. I do not simply _"like to watch you fight" _, or whatever it was you meant." I exhale and look away again, in hope that Zhongda will decide to resume treating my back.  
>"You take too much offense... No, it was not for them that I left. They give me prestige and pleasure, not something that I am willing to risk my life over. The reason I left the base ... was you.<br>Your battle plan was so _boring _that I had to move. I grew restless." His hands push hard against my back.  
>"Tell me that you say <em>this<em> in jest, _Zihuan_. The lands' next ruler cannot possibly act such a fool."

This is why  
><strong>Why we fight<strong>  
><strong>Why we lie awake<strong>  
>And this is why<br>This is why we fight

"You live too much by caution, Zhongda." He returns to tending my wounds.  
>"I am your strategist, Zihuan. That caution is the reason why Wei bears well against this age's turmoil. My caution is why both you and I still live." His hands ghost over my shoulders and sides.<br>"Do you enjoy living _defensively_, Zhongda?" He uses cloth and tincture to cleanse a gash. I silently cringe.  
>"With your lack of care, Zihuan, you will die before I do."<p>

When we die  
><strong>We will die<strong>  
><strong>With our arms unbound<br>**

"Hah! So you've learned to view the future as well, Zhongda?" He is silent, and tenderly resumes removing the debris from my flesh before he mutters:  
>"Any fool viewing these wounds of yours could discern that... Zihuan." In that case, I am glad that he is the only one to see them.<br>"But what good is your caution for you, Zhongda? If something is truly your own, it should serve _you_. So, how does _it_ serve you?" I want his answers and he wants his secrecy.

And this is why  
>This is why<br>**Why we fight**  
><strong>Come hell<br>**

"... I thought I had already explained that _I _am the reason we _both_ live, My Lord."  
>"Is that all, Zhongda? With all your care, you'll never get what it is you truly want. You won't senselessly risk ruin for it... Zhongda."<br>"So you purpose to know what I want, now?" He tilts his head but in no other way physically acknowledges what I've just said.  
>"No... I can simply tell that there is still more you want, Sima Yi. And you don't ever actually tell me. Is that out of embarrassment?"<p>

Bride of quiet  
><strong>Bride of all unquiet things<strong>  
><strong>Bride of quiet<strong>  
><strong>Bride of hell<strong>

"If it'll make you feel better about whatever secret you are keeping, Zhongda, I'll tell you one of mine:  
>Remember how we first met, when I was 14 and father gave you to me as a tutor?<br>... back then I was simply _**one** of_ Cao Cao's children. You were the first person that was _completely and solely mine_. You were also... kind and gentle in tolerating my childish questions, maternal even; you were pretty enough to become the object of my pubescent fantasies... Before father's first son died, before I was to be the emperor, I'd thought that_ one day_ you would be my wife, and that we would live simply with just each other... Remember that I was only 14 then, _Zhongda._"  
>He pauses what he had been doing, and his hands feel less than steady.<br>"That is a _ridiculously stupid_ confession to make, my _Prince_. But... I, I don't think I have anything new to say to you... Zihuan."  
>"And what of the words that you <em>won't say<em>, Zhongda?"  
>He pauses from tending my wound, and sits on his knees beside me. He shifts his gaze away, and lets his eyes close a bit longer than a stranded blink would last.<p>

Come the archers  
>Come the infantry<br>Come the archers  
>Of hell<p>

His voice is softer now: "I have said it before, my Lord Zihuan: my only desire is to help you achieve your dreams of conquest."  
><em>Poor<em> Zhongda lets his shoulders sink, as his head dips in a polite bow. He returns to his task, tearing and then wrapping clean bandages about me. I lay down to think. He reseals and gathers his little jars of medicine.

This is why  
>Why we fight<br>Why we lie awake  
>This is why<br>This is why we fight  
><strong>And when we die<strong>  
><strong>We will die<strong>  
><strong>With our arms unbound<strong>  
>And this is why<br>This is why we fight  
>Come hell<br>Come hell

This is why  
>Why we fight<br>Why we lie awake  
>This is why<br>This is why we fight  
>When we die<br>We will die with our arms unbound  
>And this is why<br>This is why we fight

He gets up and leaves me now, _my_ Zhongda.  
>Standing at the door frame, he speaks barely above a whisper: "You are fooling yourself, <em>Prince<em>."

So come to me  
><strong>Come to me now<strong>  
><strong>Lay your arms around me<strong>  
>And this is why<br>This is why  
><strong>We fight<strong>  
><strong>Come hell<strong>  
>Come hell<br>Come hell  
>Come hell<p>

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

FFFFFFFF- I should have been asleep long ago, but feared that I'd loose inspiration.  
>Here is an attempt at realism. This is why I normally write AU Crack. I just wrote myself into a depression...  
>Imma gonna go eat baozi (ice cream) and play conquest mode (watch sitcoms) til I feel better.<br>And now, to remedy that bleakness: 20 CCs of **Fluffy Crack**, stat!

* * *

><p><strong>And when we die<strong>  
><strong>We will die<strong>  
><strong>With our arms unbound<strong>

"Zhongda, wait... come back to my side." He pauses at my door's frame, snorts and then obeys; like always.  
>"Zihuan?-" He doesn't speak further as I pull him to lie by my side. I don't know what I should say, but I do know what I <strong>need<strong> to say:  
>"<em>My <em>Zhongda, I won't die a coward _and _I won't let you die before knowing how _happy_ we can be."  
>I kiss him then, tenderly breathing into his lips as I cup his delicate jaw and neck. I feel his tears against my finger tips before I hear the gentle sobbing.<br>"Zhongda? ...Have I hurt you?"

**So come to me**  
><strong>Come to me now<strong>  
><strong>Lay your arms around me<strong>

He gives a small hiccup, and blinks his eyes to try and clear the tears. "Zihuan...why? Why do this to me, why now?" I look at those clear eyes, kissing a lock of ebony hair. I grant him the truth that he deserves: "You had to know, Zhongda, that you are the one good thing that I've had my whole life; I need you."  
>He brings his soft palms and finger tips to caress my face. I close my eyes and let him feel the contours of my cheeks, rise of my nose, my eyelashes, my lips.<br>I let him, because I know how long we've needed this.  
>The last thing I hear, before lips are pressed to mine, is <em><span>Zihuan<span>._

**And this is why**  
><strong>This is why<strong>  
><strong>We fight<strong>  
><strong>Come hell<strong>


End file.
